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Police Develop Infant Breathalyzer Tester
GOAL TO REDUCE TODDLER, INFANT DRUNK DRIVING

ST. LOUIS, MO -- Researchers at the St. Louis Police Department unveiled a new breathalyzer alcohol test for infants today.

The compact, portable breathalyzer is designed to reduce drunk driving and highway accidents by infants.

During the late night press conference, which introduced the infant breathalyzer, a police mother demonstrated the unit on a pair of drunken twins.

Reports indicate that the twins tested appeared so drunk they couldn't walk a straight line, recite the alphabet, or count backwards from 100.

The newly developed breathalyzer analyzed the infants breath for alcohol content. Test results were not immediately available.

PIX NOTES Twins are more than twice as difficult to feed as a single infant. They're more than twice as difficult to clean poopy pants, too. While they were in the hospital, Vernelle had to pump her breasts of milk which we froze and took to them in the form of milk popcicles. Tasty. All that breast pumping wasn't good for Vernelle, though. She went from a size 38-D to her current size, 28-A. Her posture is better now.

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